Ted: *snoring* Oh God! Dammit! Oh God... Oh God... Oh God... OH GOD!

Brooke: So, did you have a good time at New Year’s, Sam?

Sam: Yes thanks, Brooke. It was pretty wild. You know...Berlin is crazy on New Year’s Eve - kids run around shooting fireworks at everyone. It’s like a Mad Max film or the apocalypse or something. Where’s Ted? Do you think he’s gone AWOL?

Brooke: Absent without leave? Sounds like Ted.

Sam: Yeah I mean, I know it’s New Year, but…

Ted: Damn, who put these shackles here? Alright, don’t panic people! I’m here!!

Sam: Well, speak of the devil…

Brooke: And he shall appear!

Ted: What? Devils? Do we have to do an exorcism or something?

Sam: No, but we do have a podcast to record, Ted. You know it’s the year 2020, right? We’ve been waiting for you.

Ted: Oh right, sure. Sorry, I slept through my alarm.

Brooke: Someone was out all night partying.

Ted: Well… It was a...a few nights, actually.

Sam: Now, sit yourself down, get comfortable, and we’ll get started.

Brooke: Ready, Teddy?

Ted: Ready!

Brooke: Ready Sam?

Sam: Ready!

Brooke: Hi! I’m Babbling Brooke. Welcome to the Babbel Sound Studio, where we’re sitting in on a young American and a cheeky Brit as they discuss the ins and the outs, the highs and lows, the odd idioms, fantastic facts, and phenomenal phrases of the English Language…

You're listening to "Sam and Ted's Famous Last Words".

Ted: Is that what Brooke normally says?

Sam: We decided to give the introduction a bit of a face lift.

Ted: You got a face lift?!

Sam: No, the introduction got a face lift.

Brooke: I was getting bored of saying the same thing every damn week.

Ted: Oh.

Sam: But you know what, Ted? The New Year is a bit like getting a face lift. You know, fresh New Year, fresh new start.

Ted: Yeah, that reminds me. I thought we could do a New World episode today.

Sam: You mean, like...ehm...the Americas?

Ted: Yeah right, the New World is the Americas, North and South.

Sam: OK. Sure, why not?

Ted: Good. Because sometimes you try to do an American accent and it makes me want to cry.

Sam: You wanna cry because I sound like your favourite uncle?

Ted: No, because you sound like an idiot.

Sam: Oh.

Ted: So I thought I’d teach you how to do it properly today.

Sam: Yeah, but Ted, there are lots of different accents in America, right?

Ted: Yeah! And of course there is a difference between America and the Americas.

Sam: Really? 

Ted: Yeah, America is generally what people in the United States call their country, the United States of America.

Sam: Ah yeah, OK.

Ted: And "The Americas," refers to North and South America. So, Canada, Mexico, Central America, South America, and so on.

Sam: Ok.

Ted: And today we're really just going to focus on the United States of America.

Sam: Right, Ted. Well, ehm...how many accents are there in the United States of America?

Ted: Well, apparently there are something like 27 different regional dialects.

Sam: Really? How interesting. You know, I can do a really good Texan accent. When we were kids we watched Dallas on TV every week… JR Ewing was this evil oil man. He said things like “Ain’t nobody here but us rich folks!”

Ted: Right… I think I know some Texans that might be offended right now…

Sam: “I don’t give a damn about you or your happiness honey, but I do care about what’s good for me!”

Ted: Stop it. Right now.

Sam: Yeah, well if you don’t like that, what about my New York accent? This is really good, ok. “I’m Benny from the Bronx. I’m from New York, the Big Apple. Gimme a cuppa coffee!” Pretty good, right? I learnt that from all those 1980s cop shows like Cagney and Lacey.

Ted: Well, that was a bit more Brooklyn than Bronx, but close enough. Anyway, here’s another really common New York saying: “Ey! I’m walkin’ here!”

Sam: Where's here? Brooklyn?

Ted: Brooklyn...Brook..Brooklyn!

Sam: Why would you...when would you say that and why would say that?

Ted: You'd say that when, for example, you're crossing the street and a car slams on its breaks and just about hits you...

Sam: One of those yellow taxis.

Ted: ...and you look at the driver and you raise your hands in the air and you go "Ey! I'm walkin' here!"

Sam: Ok. Sounds good.

Ted: Yeah. What about, like, ehh...California?

Sam: Oh my Gooood, I looooove Californiaaaan! It’s so humble.

Ted: It’s totally awesome. Duuuuude, you should have been at Trestles yesterday. It was FIRING, brah!!

Sam: Sounds pretty sick brah, but actually my favorite American accent has to be deep south.

Ted: The deep south?

Sam: Yeah, you know. Like, eh...Blanche Dubois in A Streetcar Named Desire… “Would you think it possible that I was once considered to be attractive?” Or eh...“I have always depended on the kindness of strangers”… and then there's that Scarlet O’Hara from Gone With The Wind?

Ted: Scarlet O’Hara?

Sam: That’s what I said. Scarlet O’Hara… “Oh fiddly diddly dee!” “I’ll never plant another potato as long as I live!”

Ted: Ummm, I think what she actually says “With God as my witness. I’ll never be hungry again.”

Sam: Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!

Ted: That's charming.

Sam: That was Rhett Butler, Scarlet’s love interest. Have you seen Gone With The Wind?

Ted: Yeah, of course I've seen it, Sam. Anyway, I bet you can’t do a Scansin accent.

Sam: A what?

Ted: Scansin.

Sam: Is that even English, Ted?

Ted: Alrighty den der Sam, you pert near ready ta speak some Scansin English?

Sam: Excuse me? I understood about four words in that sentence.

Ted: I asked if you are almost ready to speak some Wisconsin English.

Sam: Oh right. That’s how they speak where you’re from, is it? Where is Wisconsin anyway?

Ted: Uhm...it’s in the north of the US, near Canada. Now are you ready?

Sam: Hmm… I guess so.

Ted: The correct response would be “Yoo betcha!”, which is Scansin for “You bet”.

Sam: Ugh. Alright… “Yoo betcha!”

Ted: Perfect. So, I’m going to teach you a bit about the accent, a few useful phrases, and even some Wisconsin-specific vocabulary. Alright, first things first. How do we say the name of the best state in the US?

Sam: I think it’s pronounced California.

Ted: We can end this podcast right now if that's how you’re going to be today.

Sam: Ok, I’m sorry. It’s pronounced Wis-con-sin. Wisconsin, yeah?

Ted: There we go. good.  Ah...well, to the rest of the world, sure, but up in the frozen tundra, we say “Scansin.” 

Sam: Sconsin!

Ted: Scansin! You might hear just a liiiiiitle bit of the “W” at the beginning, but it’s almost completely inaudible. Also, the “o” vowel shifts a bit and comes out sounding more like the “a” in “hat” or “can.” Ok, want to give it a try, Sam?

Sam: Uh...Scaaaahnsin

Ted: What are you doing?

Sam: Sconsin!

Ted: What? Just use your normal voice!

Sam: Scaaannnssinn! Scansin? Scaaansin. Is that right? Scansin! Brooke is nodding, I think she's...yeah she's loving it.

Ted: Brooke is not the authority on Scansin.  Alright. Scaaansin! Scansin! Scansin!

Sam: Scansin!

Ted: Alright. Pert near, Sam. Pert near.

Sam: Huh?

Ted: “Pert near”

Sam: Don’t be saucy.

Ted: “Pert near” is an essential Wisconsin phrase. It’s an adapted form of “pretty near,” which means “almost”. So, for example, if you’re feeling a bit hungry, you could say: “I think it’s pert near time ta eat!”

Sam: I think it’s pert near time you had your head examined, my friend.

Ted: Ah geez, Sam! That’s not so nice. Up in Scansin, we pride ourselves on being nice, so if you really want to get the spirit behind the accent, I’m gonna need a little attitude adjustment from you.

Sam: Okay. I’ll try to be nice. What’s next?

Ted: Well, Sam, let’s talk about some consonants. 

Sam: Wisconsin consonants?!

Ted: Yeah...sure. Anyway, in Wisconsin English, you often replace the “th” sound with a “d” sound, so “that thing over there” will come out sounding like “Dat ding over der.” 

Sam: “Dat ding over der!” 

Ted: That was a little Irish, but you're...you're getting it. You're getting closer. Also, we almost always leave the “g” off of words ending in “-ing.” So, instead of going, we have “goin,’”  doing -“doin,” “lookin,” “huntin,” and “fishin.”

Sam: Yeah but that's quite American, right? That's like...

Ted: Yeah, I mean, it's not uniquely Wisconsin, but it is part of the accent.

Sam: Dropping g's all over the place.

Ted: Right. Droppin' g's!

Sam: Dat’s pert near simple.

Ted: A...again...eh...that's Irish. That's Irish. Dat's pert near simple.

Sam: Dat's pert near simple.

Ted: Oh yaah, dat's pert near simple!

Sam: Oh yaah, dat's pert near simple!

Ted: Yaah, der ya' go. Ok yoo betcha! Now for the vowels. This is really where the Wisconsin accent shines. First of all, words that contain a long “o” sound, like “toad” or “don’t” have an extra syllable added. So “toad” sounds like “tow-id,” "tow-id," and “don’t” sounds like “dohwint,” "dohwint".

Sam: Dohwint do it! That’s a real big low-id you got der, Teddy!

Ted: Stop speaking Irish! It's not Irish!

Sam: Sorry! I can't help it. Dohwnt do it.

Ted: Dohwint do'it! Dohwint doo it.

Sam: Dohwint do it. Dat's a real big loa-ed ya got der, Teddy!

Ted: That was actually pretty good. Nice...alright. Then we have the “a” sound, which the rest of the country loves to make fun of us for. For example, in words that contain a short “a” sound followed by a “g”, like “bag” or “rag.” The short “a” becomes a long “a”. So we end up with “bayg” and “rayg.”

Sam: What a draaaayg!

Ted: Nice. Now I’m going to teach you some essential words and phrases to fit in in Wisconsin. The first one is “Ya know.” When you put it at the beginning of a sentence, it signals that you’re about to share a thought. E.g. “Ya know. Da roads are lookin’ pretty icy today.”
And when you put it on the end of a sentence, it’s a way of asking if the other person agrees or understands what you’re saying, ya know?

Sam: I know.

Ted: Good. Now, if you want to make a request sound more polite in Scansin English, you just add “one time” or “real quick”, or both if you are feeling extra nice! So instead of saying, “Sam, could you please give me a glass of water?”, I’d say “Could ya gimme a glass of water one time real quick?”

Sam: That’s a useful one. All this Scaaansin is giving me a real dry throat.

Ted: Now for some Wisco vocabulary – Do you know what a "bubbler" is, Sam?

Sam: Is that when you fart in the bathtub? Or is it a hookah?

Ted: A hooker?

Sam: A hookah, Ted, a shishah pipe.

Ted: Ummm, no. You might think so, but actually, it’s what we call a drinking fountain in eastern and southern Wisconsin.

Sam: How interesting.

Ted: Then we’ve got the good old “stop n go” lights!

Sam: Now I know what that is! It's traffic lights, right?

Ted: Yoo betcha, Sam! Then I just have a couple short exclamations that you’ll hear a lot in Wisconsin. First one we have is “uff da”, which you say when you’re confused, surprised, or worried. 

Sam: Which is most of the time.

Ted: So if I tell you “Sam. We’re going to have a real bad blizzard tonight.” you would probably respond with…

Sam: Uff da!

Ted: Yup! And then we have “ope”, which basically just means “oops” or “pardon.” So if you walk around a corner at work and accidentally bump into someone, you just say “ope!”

Sam: Ope!

Ted: You’re a natural, my boy. There’s just one last little thing I’m going to teach you, and that’s UP.

Sam: I pee? I went to the bathroom before the show, Ted. But thanks for asking

Ted: You are, as usual, confused, Samuel. I mean the letters “U” and “P.”

Sam: "U" and "P"... is this another acronym, Ted? Does it mean "ugly people"?

Ted: What did I say about being nice? It stands for “Upper Peninsula”, which is an area directly north of Wisconsin, but it’s a part of another state, Michigan (for now, at least). It’s a pretty popular destination for people from Wisconsin to go skiing or snowmobiling in the winter though. And, by the way, people from the UP are known as yoopers. 

Sam: Yoopers?

Ted: Yeah, yoopers. So, now that I've taught you all there is to know about Wisconsin English, I'm going to give you a little quiz. You ready?

Sam: Yeah. Ok.

Ted: You sure?

Sam: I guess so.

Ted: Are you sure?

Sam: Uff da!

Ted: Are you sure?

Sam: You betcha!

Ted: There we go...Alright, ok. Do you remember how we say "almost?" in Wisconsin English? 

Sam: Hmmm....Yes, yes...Uhhh...Pert near!

Ted: Pert near! Good. Very good. Uhm... can you say the word “road” with a  Wisconsin accent?

Sam: RRRRow-ed.

Ted: Row-id.

Sam: Row-id.

Ted: Good, yeah...rowid...and you add another syllable in there. Alright. I would like you now to construct a polite request in Scansin English.

Sam: Ooh...this one's more difficult. Uh...I've got to be polite, right? Ehm..ok...could ya gimme that big bayg one time real quick?

Ted: That was pretty good. And you even got the "bayg" going on...alright, very good. What's a bubbler?

Sam: It's a drinking fountain.

Ted: Very good, that one's easy to remember. Ok, what do you say if you run into someone? 

Sam: Ope!

Ted: Alright! How do you express surprise, worry or confusion in Wisconsin? 

Sam: Uff da!

Ted: Uff da! How do you tell someone you agree with them?

Sam: You betcha, Ted!

Ted: Very good. And what’s a yooper? 

Sam: Oh.. Oh, I've forgotten already.  It's like... Is it like a pooper scooper?

Ted: It's a person from the UP, dummy! 

Sam: Oooh the Upper... thing! The Upper... Peninsula! Yeah, yeah, yeah, now I remember. 

Ted: Alright, I'd say about 70%,  that's a C+.

Sam: Ok. So now I'm pretty confident speaking Scaaaahnsin, who shall we call?

Ted: What?

Sam: Come on, we have test this on someone. Let’s call someone from Wisconsin and see if I can convince them I’m you.

Ted: Like who?

Sam: I dunno. Someone famous, I guess? Is there anyone famous from Wisconsin?

Ted: Yeah, sure! The world-famous escape artist Harry Houdini came from Scansin.

Sam: Oh right! Ermm, but he’s been dead for like a hundred years or something. We’d have to have a seance if we wanted to talk to him.

Ted: Hmm, I guess you're right. Orson Welles! The director?

Sam: He’s dead, Ted, he’s dead.

Ted: Alright, the actors Mark Ruffalo and Heather Graham are both from Wisconsin and they're both alive. We could call one of them…

Sam: Hmm yeah maybe. Oh hey, hey, hey isn't ummm, oh that amazing actor, Willem Defoe? He's from Wisconsin, right?

Ted: Is he?

Sam: Yeah, I think so.

 Ted: Urgh he’s so cool. I love him in Spiderman.

Sam: He was in Spiderman?!

Ted: Yeah, he's the green goblin.

Sam: Really? 

Ted: Yeah.

Sam: Whaat?! Well... Shall we give him a call?

Ted: Do you have his number?

Sam: I haven't got his number. Just look it up, Ted.

Ted: Oh sure, ok. Hang on... I found it!

Sam: You sure this is it? Ok, ok, ok I’m dialing… What shall I say?

Ted: Say you’re from a pizza delivery company, ask him if he wants a coupa two tree toppers sticks with his meat lovers pizza?

Sam: A coupa two tree what with his what?!!!

Ted: It basically just means “a few”.

Sam: Ooh ooh it’s ringing, it’s ringing. Shh! Shh! Shhh! 

Willem Dafoe: Is somebody there?

Sam: Well hey der.

Willem Dafoe: Who said that?

Sam: Dis is Ted from Papa Jim’s Pizza.

Willem Dafoe: Where are you?

Sam: In Madison, Scahnsin.

Willem Dafoe: What do you want?

Sam: Well, I see here dat you ordered a large meat lovers’ pizza and a side a topper sticks. Ya want a bayg o chips with dat?

Willem Dafoe: Let me be frank with you, I hate pizza.

Sam: Could ya just answer da question one time real quick? Bayg o chips, er no?

Willem Dafoe: What do you think you’re doing?

Sam: Just checkin’ yer order!

Willem Dafoe: Don’t play the innocent with me! You’re not from Wisconsin.

Sam: OK der..

Willem Dafoe: I think the word you’re looking for is symbolism… symbolism.

Sam: Ok… Wow, that was weird!

Ted: That was a disaster!

Sam: I know! But I’m ready to try again. Who else are we gonna call? Hey, hey, what about your parents? They must be up at this time of day, aren't they?

Ted: Well it’s not even breakfast time in Wisconsin right now, but we could try calling them... Hang on.

Mom: Hello?

Ted: Hey Mom, it’s Ted.

Mom: Hey Teddy, what’s up?

Ted: Well, I’m trying to teach Sam how to speak like a Wisconsinite.

M: Who the heck is Sam, then?

Ted: He’s the guy I do the podcast with, ya know. We wanna test his Wisconsin accent on you if you have the time.

Mom: Well suuuuure. Put him on.

Ted: Alright, here he is.

Sam: Hey Mrs. Ted, how ya doin’?

Mom: Well I’m pretty good. Just about to take the dogs out for a walk. You like dogs, Sam?

Sam: You betcha! Ya got one named Jazz right?

Mom: Yup. And Dusty and Penny.

Sam: Uff da! It’s pert near a dog pound by you den? Could you answer a question for me one time real quick?

Mom: Sure. Shoot.

Sam: Well, Ted was tellin’ me about da UP, and I was just wonderin’ if you had any plans ta go hang out wid da Yoopers dis Winter.

Mom: Well, I don’t think I will, but Ted’s dad probably will. He loves goin’ up north.

Sam: You know, Mrs. Ted, did little Teddy say anything funny when he was a kid?

Mom: Oh yeah, he used to say some pretty funny things, like, well both him and sister would call a helicopter a "hoccalopper"!

Sam: A hoccalopper?!

Mom: And Teddy, he used to call himself "Fawadaowee" instead of Theodore.

Sam: What?! You called yourself Fawadaowee?

Ted: Yeah, yeah it's a long story. 

Mom: Well yeah, it was nice talkin’ to ya. I gotta get the dogs out though before the snow hits!

Sam: Bye, Mrs Ted! 

Mom: Bye Sam!

Ted: Wow, Sam, that was actually pretty damned good! 

Sam: Was it?

Ted: Yeah! Errr, I think all you’d need to really perfect the accent is to spend a bit of time in Wisconsin.

Sam: Hmmm… They eat a lot of cheese in Wisconsin, right? I like the sound of that. But it gets suuuuuper cold in the Winter, doesn’t it?

Ted: Yeah, it can get down to -40C sometimes.

Sam: Uff da! In that case, I might just stay here and practice on you, how about that?

Ted: Fair enough. Anyway, listeners, I think that’s about all we have for you today. Thanks for joining me as I helped Sam stumble his way through Wisconsin English. As usual, if you have any questions, comments, concerns, or suggestions, feel free to tweet at us @Babbel.

Sam: Or send us an email at podcasting@babbel.com.

Ted: Until next time! 

Sam: Bye!