Sam: Ted!

Ted: Sam!

Sam: Did you hear about Magic Tom?

Ted: Our producer? What about him?

Sam: Well, like all great magicians, he did a vanishing act! He’s gone!

Ted: Whaaaat? You mean he just disappeared?

Sam: Exactly. He’s nowhere to be seen. Rumour has it he was a spook all along!

Ted: A ghost?

Sam: No - a corporate spy.

Ted: That’s nuts.

Sam: Yeah, bonkers right? But it’s gonna be ok, we’ve got Brooke.

Ted: Brooke? Oh yeah, she’s awesome.

Brooke: Hi guys!

Ted: Hi Brooke, we were um...just talking about you.

Brooke: Oh really!

Sam: Ted, are you blushing?

Ted: It’s just, uh...it's, it's really hot in here!

Sam: Really? I find it kind of chilly. Anyway, Brooke we need you to introduce us. Magic Tom has done a runner!

Ted: He’s vanished!

Brooke: Oh ok. Yeah of course, I can do that!
 
Hi! I’m Babbling Brooke, the producer of Sam and Ted’s Famous Last Words. Welcome to the Babbel Sound Studio, where we’re sitting in on an American and a Brit twisting each others words, getting tongue tied and generally reflecting upon the strange beauty of that majestic, rather odd thing we call the English Language…

Sam: So Ted. We all know you have trouble getting out of bed, but really? Pyjamas in the office? You couldn’t be bothered to get dressed this morning or what?

Ted: Sam. These aren’t just any old pajamas. They’re the cat’s pajamas.

Sam: I didn’t  know you had a cat, especially one that wears pyjamas!

Ted: Well, I don’t have a cat.

Sam: You don't have a cat? Then what are you banging on about? I mean, you just said you’re wearing the cat’s pyjamas.

Ted: The cat’s pajamas is a saying. It means something “very fancy and desirable”, like these pajamas I’m wearing!

Sam: They are pretty fancy it's true. I dunno about desirable though. Are they made of… silk, by any chance?

Ted: Only the best for me, my boy.

Sam: Hm lovely, so, help me understand this. You can only use the saying the cat’s pyjamas to describe your pyjamas? It seems   very specific to be useful.

Ted: Actually, you can use it to describe anything, as long as it’s of high quality! For example, you, Sam, are the cat’s pajamas.

Sam: Oh, stop it, Ted, you sly dog. You’ll make me blush.

Ted: Hmmm… that gives me an idea. We have lots of animal-related sayings in English, right?

Sam: Right! Like ‘the birds and the bees’

Ted: Yeah, we talked about that one in the last episode…it's a euphemism to talk about...you know sex the beast with two backs and all that...

Sam: Yeah, we did I think I see what this is all about. It's animals, right? You wanna dive into the more bestial, that is animal, side of the English language today.

Ted: Exactly! And dig through all those wild idioms and metaphors like a badger digging a hole. I thought that we could start with our first segment, which I would like to call…

Beating Dead Horses

Sam: You can’t go around beating horses, Ted, dead or alive - otherwise we’ll have the animal rights people phoning in to complain again.

Ted: It’s an idiom, an oft-used phrase.

Sam: Idiom or not, it’s against my belief system. I’m a vegetarian

Ted: Hold your horses, Sam.

Sam: There you go again mistreating horses – it might be ok to do that sort of thing in America…

Ted: Sam. Let me explain

Sam: I wish you would.

Ted: To beat a dead horse is a metaphor. It means to keep doing something useless over and over again.

Sam: Mh sounds like my life

Ted: We usually use it to say someone keeps repeating the same argument.

Sam: Right. good

Ted: And to hold your horses means to stop for a second, to be patient and wait before continuing.

Sam: Okay - so um...you’re holding back wild horses - and those wild horses are your thoughts I guess?

Ted: I mean your actions too. It can mean physically stop - hold your horses.

Sam: Okay, you just don't want to run off in the wrong direction.

Ted: Right. Exactly. We've also got:
Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth - which basically means, don’t question where something free comes from.

Sam: Yeah, you just should accept the gift. Unquestioningly....

Ted: Exactly

Sam: I think this comes from, when you buy a horse you traditionally would look in its mouth to see if it's in good condition.

Ted: So...if someone were to give you a horse as a gift and you immediately looked at its mouth, it's like you're checking the value of your gift.

Sam: It would be rude, right?

Ted: Very rude, yeah. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth!

Sam: Don't do it... 

Ted: Um...then we've got another one. Sometimes people have used this to describe me and that is: a one-trick pony - someone with only one skill or ability

Sam: Now come on Ted that's not true. You've got lots of skills and abilities...I can't think of what they are right now, but...you're multitalented I would say

Ted: Thank you

Sam: And um...why do we say: one-trick pony?

Ted: I guess it comes from the time of circuses when they would have a pony that would do some kind of trick, like balance on its back legs or kick a ball around or something like that but like who could only do one thing

Sam: Hm, okay. Oh this is a good one: To put the cart before the horse. Do you know that one?

Ted: Yeah, I think I've heard it before but maybe you can remind me

Sam: It means uh to do the things the wrong way around, obviously. If you put the cart in front of the horse - you're not gonna go anywhere, right? The horse needs to be in front of the cart.

Ted: Makes sense

Sam: As simple as that. Any others?

Ted: And the last one I have here is um:  I could eat a horse - which of course means: to be super hungry, because you know horses are pretty big, if you can eat a whole one....

Sam: Pretty big, pretty tasty. Ooh I could eat a horse if I wasn't vegetarian of course...I am really hungry

Ted: Are you just hungry? Or also dog tired?

Sam: What? Oh, dogs! Yeah, yeah, yeah! That reminds me – we got an email from a German listener, Julia.

Ted: Really, fan mail? Hi Julia!

Sam: Yeah hi Julia! SO. Julia asked if you, Ted, would explain the following dog-related phrase. You ready?

Ted: Sure.

Sam: Julia writes: “I have a question. Can you tell me what are "the mutts nuts" please? I hear it many times but never understand. Can you please explain?”

Ted: Well…. the mutt’s nuts are. Well, a mutt is a dog.

Sam: Oh right, okay. And what are the dog’s nuts?

Ted: Well, erm… the nuts are the best bit. This phrase has uh basically the same meaning as “the bees’ knees” or “the cat’s whiskers”.

Sam: Yeah so, just like the cat’s pyjamas, then, yeah? The mutt’s nuts are, like, the best thing ever!

Sam: I like the bees’ knees. It’s very English. In fact you’re the bees’ knees, Ted.

Ted: Huh why thanks. Hey I've got another good dog one:
 
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks

Sam: (WOOF!) Are you referring to me? You know I’m not that old!

Ted: No, I'm not referring to you Sam.

Sam: Good

Ted: But what this means is you can't teach something new to somebody who's stuck in their ways, who has very strong habits

Sam: Well that sorta does sound like me. Ok, so that was dogs, but what about cats?

Ted: Curiosity killed the cat, Sam!

Sam: Oh yes, very good Ted. Curiosity can be a dangerous thing. Sometimes it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.

Ted: Ha! Yeah, don’t ask too many questions. Personally, I’m a big fan of secrecy.

Sam: Mhm. I suppose you’ve never let the cat out of the bag, then Ted?

Ted: Well maybe once or twice. You know, it's a lot easier to let the cat OUT of the bag than to try and put it back in!

Sam: Yeah, all that scratching and stuff, yeah. They don't like being in bags cats.Anyhow… we also have idioms for sea animals, such as:

A fish outta water

Ted: What does that one mean?

Sam: A  fish outta water is used to describe someone who's  in a situation that they’re unable to survive in or cope with

Ted: Ah, okay!

Sam: We also have: Happy as a clam 

Ted: I didn't know that clams were happy

Sam: Well, it turns out they are! Very happy - that's what it means. If someone's happy as a clam they're super happy

Ted: Couldn't fool me...

Sam: And them we have: the World is your oyster 

Ted: I do enjoy an oyster every now and then. 

Sam: I've seen you knocking them back, yeah

Ted: Slurping them down. What does that one mean though?

Sam: Oh right. Well, yeah it means you have a huge range of possibilities

Ted: We can’t forget the birds Sam!

Sam: No we can't forget the birds Ted!

Ted: Alright. Here are some bird related idioms. Here we've got uh: Wild goose chase - and a  wild goose chase is a foolish or hopeless search for something that you cant get

Sam: I guess that's cause wild geese run pretty fast and they can fly, right? So if you chase them, you're never gonna catch them

Ted: You're never gonna catch them

Sam: No way

Ted: Alright, we've got this one. This one's real common: to kill two birds with one stone 

Sam: Ooh that sounds a bit aggressive

Ted: It is a bit aggressive but it's actually quite a positive idiom. It means to accomplish two tasks at the same time

Sam: And then of course there are: Small animals. One of my personal favourites is:

Like a rat out of a drainpipe - my dad loves this one. If I wanted to say someone was leaving the scene of a crime very fast or anywhere very fast, I would say: they ran off like a rat out of a drainpipe

Ted: That does make sense. I've seen lots of rats run out of drain pipes and that was very fast

Sam: You gotta be fast

Sam: Then we have: Quiet as a mouse - which is very quiet

Ted: It just means quiet, right?

Sam: Yeah, yeah it's an easy one. And then, one that describes you Ted, um, I might say to someone: There are no flies on you

Ted: But you're always telling me that I smell bad

Sam: Yeah but that's not easy with the real flies if you say there're no  flies on somebody it means they're particularly clever and they're not easily misled or tricked

Ted: That's very true. I've never been tricked in my life

Sam: Not once

Ted: Alright and then we have: Big animals! For example you can 

Have a whale of a time

Sam: Which is a really great time

Ted: Right. a reeeally great time. That's what it means. 

Sam: And uh I think this is the last one

Ted: Yep the last one here is: The elephant in the room - and the elephant in the room is a little bot of an omen. It means the big, uncomfortable thing that everyone is thinking about but no one wants to talk about

Sam: Mhm very English.

Ted: And speaking of the elephant in the room, who’s that guy who’s been sitting over there in the corner saying nothing the whole time, Sam? Does he work here?

Sam: Ted. That’s Chad. Chad Deschutes . You’ve sat next to him every day for the last year and a half. Have you gone a little batty?

Ted: Batty?

Sam: You know. Like. You got bats in the belfry? Are you completely mad?

Ted: I guess I just have the memory of a goldfish. Nice to meet you Chad.

Chad: Yeah. Nice to meet you Ted. We’ve met many times, but ok.

Sam: So what is it that you do here exactly Chad? Do tell our listeners.

Chad: Well, I write the English courses with the two of you fellas, but I’ve also spent a lot of time in the wilderness of Oregon, which makes me Babbel’s wilderness survival expert.

Ted: Oh yeah? You’re a hunter? Have you ever eaten a squirrel?

Chad: I can’t say that I have Ted. And I would consider myself more of a “woodsman” than a hunter.

Ted: Well, trust me on this one, you aren’t missing much. There’s not much meat on a squirrel, and they don’t taste very good.

Sam: Are you speaking from experience, Ted? I mean, is that what people do in Wisconsin? Eat squirrels?

Ted: I can’t say that it’s common practice, but when you’re hungry, you’re hungry.

Sam: Hmm…yeah that's true. Hey, Ted, the beaver is Wisconsin‘s state animal, isn’t it?

Ted: No, dumbass, it’s the badger. What about where you come from?

Sam: We've got the Surrey puma.

Ted: The what?

Sam: The Surrey Puma! In Surrey, which is the English county where I grew up, there have been many sightings of a mysterious wild puma. I saw it actually on the way home from school one night uh running across the street and it into the woods…

Ted: A puma? You mean, like, a big cat?

Sam: Yeah but it looked more like a big black dog but yes.

Sam: Soooooooooo. Chad, does Oregon have a state animal?

Chad: Sure, it’s the beaver.

Ted: You ever eat one of them?

Chad: No sir, I cannot say that I have and I'm pretty sure that’s  illegal.

Ted: I’ve eaten horse, snails… and an alligator.

Sam: You’ve eaten alligator?! That's disgusting. Can I just say that as a vegetarian I do not like the way this conversation is going.

Now Chad, we’ve heard that you are a fan of what we call “Dad Jokes”… For any fatherless listeners out there, a dad joke is usually a bad joke.

Ted: Yes, and if I’m not mistaken, you are actually a real dad.

Chad: That is correct fellas. And after years of fatherhood, I’ve really perfected my dad joke game. I’ve even got a few animal-themed ones if you wanna hear ‘em.

Ted: Sure! Take it away!

Sam: Yes, I suppose so if you must…

Chad: Alright, you asked for it! First dad joke:

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “Why the long face?”

Sam: Yeah that's a classic

Ted: I've heard that one before

Sam: Cause a long face means: Why are you said and horses have long faces, right? Very clever

Ted: Very good

Chad: Okay, well what do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Sam: I don't know Chad. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Chad: Elephino - hell if I know

Sam: Hell if you know yeah that's good

Ted: Right. It means you don't know but it's also a mixture between elephant and rhino

Chad: And that's why it's funny

Sam: Carry on

Chad: Okay I got a good one for you: can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? 

Ted: I would have to say no. That's impossible.

Sam: They can jump pretty high though. What's the answer?

Chad: Of course, the Empire State Building can’t jump.

Sam: Yeah that's true. Very good. Uh you're really on a roll here Chad. Uh, any more?

Chad: I've got one more for you: what do you call a deer with no eyes? 

Sam: What do you call a dear with no eyes?

Chad: No idea!

Sam: No eye deer

Ted: No idea, okay.

Sam: Pff. Wow Chad. You really weren’t lying. They certainly were dad jokes.

Chad: Yes, you’re welcome, Sam.

Ted: I’m not sure that was a compliment, Chad. In fact, it sounded a bit catty.

Chad: Cats!? There better not be any cats in here. I’m allergic.

Ted: No worries, Chad. Sam’s just feeling a bit crabby, I think.

Sam: I’m not crabby, I’m in a very good mood. You’re the one who’s a bit waspish today, TED!

Chad: Is this another segment? This sounds like another segment…

Sam: Oh… Who invited this guy on the show? Well we could call it.... What shall we call it?

Chad: It’s gotta be called 
 
Animal Adjectives! 

Ted: Ha, yeah right!

Sam: Go on then, let’s hear some animal-related adjectives for describing peoples’ personalities.

Chad: Like catty

Ted: Meaning intentionally mean or rude or nasty.

Sam: Or waspish, meaning pretty much the same thing. Very unpleasant.

Ted: Speaking of wasps that's a kind of bee, right? And speaking of bees, did you know that I was a spelling bee champion when I was a kid?

Sam: What’s a spelling bee? Bees can’t read!

Ted: It’s a spelling contest, Sam. But for some reason we call it a “bee”. Anyway. I’ve got the trophies at home if you need proof.

Sam: Sounds fishy to me…

Ted: You saying what I’m saying stinks?

Sam: I’m saying it sounds suspicious.

Chad: I’m saying nothing.

Ted: Good, keep it that way.

Sam: Don’t be beastly Ted.

Ted: I’m not the one being nasty!

Chad: Guys, you’re both being pig-headed. You never listen to anyone.

Sam & Ted: No we aren’t!/Yes we do!

Chad: Funny how a lot of these animal qualities are kinda negative, huh?

Sam: Yeah, that's true. there are some nice ones though too I think. Like eagle eyed - meaning someone has great eye sight or is very observant like an eagle. They miss nothing.

Ted: Like Chad here. But it is true, I can’t think of many positive ones. Um...but I do have:

Wolfish - wolfish of course means like a wolf

Sam: Nothing to do with fish

Ted. Right- No fish. No wol-fish but wolfish. Ahem and it usually means that someone is: greedy, hungry, or sexually crude

Sam: I would dispute this one I think wolves get very bad press. You know wolves are more intelligent than dogs. So lay off the wolves okay? What else have you got for us?

Ted: How about: Ratty - resembling a rat for example you can say that someone has “ratty eyes”, like little small beady black eyes. Ratty eyes. 

Sam: Is that a good thing?

Ted: Ah that's a bad thing. If you have eyes like a rat...

Sam: Rats are very sweet. Oh yeah maybe it depends on where the rats come from

Ted: Yeah my sister had some pet rats for a while and they were very cute.

Sam: Yeah, but it may be the rats that you see around the tube underground or the subway they're not so nice. Feeding off dead bodies...

Ted: Right among with describing people's eyes, you can use it to describe things of poor quality or that are dirty like ratty clothing or ratty hair

Sam: Ratty hair like dreadlocks...what?

Chad: My sleeping bag

Ted: Your sleeping bag is ratty?!

Chad: A bit, yeah...

Ted: How do you survive in the wilderness with a ratty sleeping bag?

Chad: Just duct tape

Ted: Okay.

Sam: Uhm anyway. Oh this is one that relates to you Ted: Sheepish 

Ted: I don't think I have many sheepy qualities about me...

Sam: I don't know, I think there's something sheepish about you...um but sheepish means to be sort of cheeky and embarrassed at the same time. Like you have a kind of sheepish grin. You've done something naughty and you're a little bit embarrassed about it, but you're sort of smiling at the same time 

Ted: Ah okay! And the last one I've got here is: Sluggish like a slug 

Sam: Slug. What could that possibly mean? Does that mean so slimy and wet and disgusting?

Ted: It does not mean slimy, wet or disgusting. It really just means - slow or lacking energy. So if you're like waking up in the morning and you're feeling really tired and you're 

Sam: before the first pint of coffee

Ted: Right. You are sluggish

Sam: Great. Now what?

Chad: Alright boys. So I know that you normally invite a guest on the show and you give them some kind of quiz, but seeing as I’m the one who knows all about the animal kingdom, today I’ve prepared a little test for you. I’m going to call it “A Pack of…”

Ted: LIES!

Chad: Ummm… no? I was going to say a “Pack of Wolves”, which is what a group of wolves is called. 
“A pack” is what we call a collective noun

Ted: What sort of noun?

Sam: A collective noun, Ted – it's a word that describes a collection or group of things... or in this case, animals. “Pack of Wolves”, pack is the collective noun.

Chad: That’s right Sam, you got it! So. Here’s how this is going to work. I’m going to give you a collective noun, and then you two have to tell me which group of animals it’s used for.

Sam: Ooh yes ooh yes I’m champing at the bit!

Ted: I can’t wait!

Chad: Alright, good. Here we go, first one. Easy one...
a herd of...

Sam: pigs

Ted: You don't call it a herd of pigs. Herd of cows or horses.

Chad: Very good. I was thinking cows.

Sam: Oooor donkeys? No

Ted: I don't think so... herd of cows, herd of horses, herd of sheep.

Sam: Herd of sheep, yeah for sure. Shepherd comes from that! Shep-herd, herd of sheep easy one to remember

Chad: Well done boys! Next one. Another easy one:
A school of…

Sam: Fish! School of fish obviously

Chad: Too easy okay. Getting a little harder now. How about a pride of… 

Sam: Pride comes before a fall Ted. Don't get too cocky.

Ted: Lions!

Ted: Pride of lions like in "The lion king". They live on pride rock.

Sam: Oh do they?

Ted: Yeah!

Sam: Good to know!

Chad: Ted's sharp! How about a pod of…

Sam & Ted: Dolphins/podcasters

Sam: Pod of dolphins?

Ted:  A pod of dolphins! Yes. Really.

Sam: Why a pod?

Ted: I don't know.

Chad: I like both answers but yeah it's dolphins.

Sam: Also I would say it's a pod of podcasters. If I were to describe us with a collective noun it would be a pod.

Chad: Here's a tough one. How about a parliament of...

Sam: Politicians

Ted: I think there's a band with this name: Parliament of owls

Chad: Yes

Sam: How am I supposed to know that?!

Chad: Next one: a murder of…

Sam: Detectives? Uh...dead bodies. A murder of...I don't know

Ted: Crows. A murder of crows. Makes sense right?

Sam: They eat dead stuff don't they?

Ted: Yeah, and they're creepy

Chad: Okay these ones are getting tough now. Get your thinking caps on: A cete of… 

Sam: Ooh I know this..I know this uh. Black and white, black and white uh...barking like: badgers, badgers!

Ted: I shoulda gotten that one...

Sam: Yeah you shoulda gotten that it's your state animal

Ted: It's my state animal. I'm ashamed. Feeling a little sheepish right now.

Chad: Sorry to the state of Wisconsin...for Ted. Next one

A quiver of… 

Sam: Arrows?

Chad: Animals, Sam.

Sam: Oh yeah. Sorry I keep forgetting. Quiver to quiver...what's that thing you're doing with your body Ted?

Ted: I'm trying to give you a hint Sam. Because I feel bad that I know more of these than you.

Sam: Give me a better hint.

Ted: Ssssss

Sam: Oh snakes! 

Chad: Close...

Sam: What is it Ted? You know.

Ted: Quiver of cobras! A quiver of cobras. Cause they are quivering all the time, shaking

Chad: It's true.

Sam: I'm questioning the logic of any of these. But um carry on...

Chad: Yes okay. Next one:  A cauldron of... 

Sam: I know this! I know this: bats!

Ted: Ah that's right it's a cauldron of bats.

Chad: Next one: A business of… 

Sam: Oh again, I know this one! I'll give you a clue Ted. Something people keep in their trousers.

Ted: People keep this kind of animal in their pants?!

Sam: Yes! It's common practice. At least in the UK. Ferrets.

Ted: We don't keep ferrets in our pants in America Sam.

Sam: We do it in the UK...we like it um anyway yeah

Ted: Um so a business of ferrets?